30 years and 9 months in of experiencing it in the first-person and a clear night sky gets me asking it obviously unanswerable questions (even if I were asking a person) as if I wasn’t present and it doesn’t make sense. I remember every fork in the road and every turn I made.
I know how I got here. I just don’t want to believe with how stressful it is and with how much I have to work to feel worthy that I drove myself here.
Perhaps I’m being too hard on myself.
Of course I didn’t want to end up here. I wanted to do the “right thing”. With the situations that arose around me that involved me via my family, I was never one to abandon those decisions.
“Responsible”. Tonight, my response to that word is “How dare I choose to be that?”.
It would be nice to be able to go out and be the sociable person I am and make new friends.
I never really liked the club scene due to the horror stories of vomiting in weird places and worst hook-ups ever.
Maybe I need the horror stories I never had so I could live life to the fullest…
…otherwise, I will be standing under the night sky, looking up at it, wondering why I appreciate it so much and not feel the need of excess partying whilst questioning how I ended up so willing to go with the flow of the “responsible family guy” type.
Sometimes I feel like looking at everybody else’s rich lives abroad (Paris, Budapest, Prague, Santorini… even just Toronto [I have been there once when I was younger and I loved it])) away from their families on social media is like looking at the Sun. Sure, there is a warmth of motivation… but it’s also damaging me, in the form of a subtle wanting that cannot be satiated anytime soon… unless a miracle happens.
I guess when you realize you’re looking at the Sun too much, talking to the night sky with no response seems a little less crazy, and more therapeutic as a release.
It also gives space to calm – a lull of a moment to give myself the time to keep perspective of the ways I have matured through these times I was needed.
It feels good to be needed but let me remind you the dilemma of not necessarily feeling appreciated and also feeling like I’m not really living MY life.
Not many people have wanted to hear these things nor do they feel they have spare time to listen. That’s fine and understandable. People’s priorities and schedules are different.
So don’t think I’m crazy for talking to the night sky. It’s my own way of praying and looking up at the same time.