It’s been quite a rush of things to think about in the past month.
A bombardment of topics and situations that after reflecting on what the current state of each is, the question arises: Is this really what I want to do? What do I want to do?
My previous post was about the caregiver mode for my uncle (dad’s friend who suffered a stroke who is now living with us [just in case this wasn’t clarified before]) that has enveloped me and has recently increased in things I have to consider with a little more I have to remember between his doctors.
With that and my real job as a stagehand happening at the same time, as mentioned in the post, my music projects slowed or paused.
Tonight, I sat outside just after the light of the sun faded from the horizon.
I just sat out there and kind of let the things that weighing on my mind that I didn’t want to think about come up and find their way to the realization of futility so they could be let go of. All the stresses – let them fade.
With that space made, the thoughts that slowly came up, as if they were frightened children looking out from around the corner in cautiousness to see if the “scary things” were gone, were my music and my friends.
I haven’t done much with either in a long time and it was sobering yet hopeful.
Sobering, obviously because of the absence recently in my life. Hopeful, though, because when something occasionally becomes absent for a noticeable period of time yet my appreciation of it isn’t fading, that’s when I know it’s real.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder for sure.
In this case, in between the daytime regimens of caregiving and errands are the nighttime hours where I have been much more active on YouTube and Soundcloud, studying the current sounds people are experimenting with. My mind creating a list of what bases are currently covered music theory and texture-wise, whilst noting what voids are being created. Yeah, I don’t like to follow the trends but rather counter-balance those sounds with something different from those voids left over. It’s not that easy but in the creative process, there is a gradual evolution and something happens. Too many possibilities to explain… and also, it’s a creative process. Not a definite science.
Being busy and responsible for lives other than ourselves in a way as a caregiver can eventually be draining.
So when I can get a moment like this outside, under a really clear night sky with a cool calm breeze, looking up at the stars, just sort of releasing tension one breath at a time, I appreciate it a lot.
The bigger things, such as nature, always help minimize our human anxieties.
You always read/hear it: If you can’t do anything about it now, why worry about it now?
As much as the moment alone was appreciated, I couldn’t help but think that a moment like that would be better when there are friends and a good conversation involved. A connection outside of me discussing things that have to be done everyday regarding health concerns and daily obligations.
I almost want to apologize for how relationships are a recurring thing in my blog posts. Maybe you the reader can sense there is a lacking in my life for consistency in relationships… if you don’t know it now after reading that sentence.
Just understand that is something I can admit and is a thought that comes up with music as things that I can’t wait to get back to cultivating and growing when I can. I can’t force those right now nor would I want to force them.
So for now, I’ll just contemplate them whilst I sit outside under the starry sky. Not worry about them but think the hopeful thoughts that the inhibiting responsibility I have found myself in again will not last and that I will be able to enjoy my passions with people I enjoy being with.
Under the starry sky…
…there was a peace tonight.
I was at peace tonight…
…even just for a beat.