Love Is… Blindsiding.

I won’t really know until it finally happens and blindsides me.

For the past few months, I decided to hijack a few hashtags on Instagram and post text images of words and thoughts. Some of it poetic, most of it romanticized.

Not to devalue the creativity and art that words can be or try to alienate the audience that I gained but it didn’t take long to gain those followers and likes… at least more than I am used to. I have used my Instagram account for writing before. There was this phase where most of what I was doing was writing haikus. One day, I took it as a challenge to write haikus for a week and it evolved into a lot longer. That was fun for that while but I lost the mood to write short-form at a certain point last year. I always have this urge to write more than that. Call it passion or venting, but I have a lot more to say and not many people to say these things to.

Amongst all the things I was writing and posting on Instagram, there was a mini-series I was working through with the hashtag #LoveIs. It was me trying to poetically explain what I thought “Love is…”.

After 30 years of no romantic relationships, I thought I would try to explain what I’ve learned so far as to see what would resonate with others:

I got to the last one and questioned myself:
– What do you know?
– How would you even know?
– Do you REALLY think that this is what love is?

Experience will be one hell of a teacher when somebody decides to want to experience me. I’ll learn what “love is” and isn’t then.

People charge me with “being in love with the idea of love” and not really understanding loving a person. In my mind I say, “Try me.” but there’s no real way to prove the truth of my understanding of unconditional love to somebody that might not see love the same way. I tell them I disagree and move on from the futile effort of explaining.

Maybe that’s why I never understood the dating process as the “visual attraction, meet, eat, pretty location bonding”. I mentioned it felt like a job interview in that sense in a previous blog. It’s almost like we take advantage of the picturesque ideals we have and think that because we create a time and a place to meet someone we were attracted to enough to talk to them, it’s creating this momentum for an ever-lasting relationship. Don’t get me wrong, it can work that way but I feel the setup for disillusionment of the romanticism can be harsher that way. I’m not bitter about dating and having a lack of dating experience. I have had these feelings since my school days but with a mature mind and Google, I found articles and blog posts that paralleled my way of thinking.

This is why I hope I’m blindsided.

Maybe with all of the words I have read, the quotes on Instagram, articles I have saved and read on Facebook, I just have WAY TOO MUCH information.

I will still hold my feelings about dating, even if I start actually dating. Again – hopefully someone will come along, blindside me, and show me something and I’ll gain an appreciation for it.

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic with realistic ideal dreams of what it would look like.

As a musician, I always had this idea that my songs would lead me to that someone, that someone to me, somehow.
As someone who always loved being amongst a crowd at an event or popular place, I carried the idea of the movie cliché “bump into” destiny.
As a sensitive, vulnerable type of person, I thought maybe my truths would find arms to be wrapped in.

I loved the movie “Serendipity”. I always loved the idea of signs and synchronicity. Coincidences happen often but what are the odds of very specific things that aren’t usual everyday, that have had a recent association with certain people, showing up everywhere from that point on? That song on the radio that never gets played. That number that seems odd for a price. A specific, non-daily word that they used in a specific way and somebody else said it, almost as a reminder. Always looking at the clock when their birthday appears…

I have been having a lot of “angel number” moments recently. I have had them since I was young but back then, I thought it was weird always looking at the clock when my birthday was displayed (10:26). I have been seeing repetitive numbers a lot. All of the times are just me wondering what time it is on my own accord and somehow it happens to be one of those angel numbers, or my birthday, or someone special’s birthday. Being that this has happened often so recently, I’m wondering what I’m on the path to. It’s hopeful. I love it!

With all of the interesting details of all my failed attempts at initiating romantic possibilities before, I am hanging on to unconditional love and hope like never before and I believe it is helping me somehow. I am putting out a vibration I genuinely love that I am feeling. I may not have had any return so far but this hope keeps me from really worrying deeply for long.

I have never been a more understanding, loving person than I have been in the past 5 years or so. It does get difficult in my single-ness being so bombarded by ideas of what love is, questions from the relatives wondering when they’ll meet my first girlfriend, and being surrounded by people who seemed to have just magically happened so easily.

I am definitely not naive about it. I know it’s going to take me being found as interesting on the immediate front and that’s difficult for me to be because I’m not loud about my passions just to show off (maybe I should be?).

I always love a good challenge and maybe my answer will be to the challenge of getting it right the first time. Wouldn’t that be amazing?

Maybe I’m creating this ultimate tension of the greatest love ever and fate will have it be realized in a glorious explosion of light and love as the greatest blindsiding moment to me, the person I fall in love with, and the people who have said that they hope I find love. Haha – still romanticizing.

This past Tuesday was Valentine’s Day and I provided a friendly gesture to someone who deserves it. I pride myself in doing things like that. Small thoughtful things. It’s one of my favorite habits.

Someday, it will be exclusive to someone on a deeper level but for now, I’ll just keep emitting the vibe I wish to attract. There’s someone for everyone and in this day and age of connection, it’s hard to stay this single this way forever, right?

It’s never when we see it coming…
…or maybe I just didn’t see it before.

I won’t really know until it finally happens and blindsides me.
_

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