I am absolutely sick of it. It takes the real conversations to move my dilemma into an area of pent-up frustration where it is the focus of what needs to be dealt with.
It’s difficult for people to understand how a traumatizing event can have such a strong hold on someone for so long, causing them to inhibit themselves from “normalcy” in certain aspects of their life.
To everybody that told me to “Just drive and don’t think.”, forgive me for any moment I responded “It’s just not that easy.”. Forgive me because now, I have ultimately arrived at that statement again. Let it be noted that I could not have gotten to this point to accept this statement without some major therapeutic intervening concepts and ideas I had to get over before this.
Here’s the thing…
I wrote about love and a relationship can exist in infinite ways. There are no “rules”.
I do realize that my capabilities and type of love and relationship I want to have would be difficult to exist in a bubble. It could work but there may be a low threshold of quality of the person who is wanting to accept that. Again, it could work with that too. This is really a useless section if I keep going on because it CAN work in any way… BUT… I want whoever she ends up being to know that I don’t want to be this way anymore. I would do anything for her so she knows that we CAN be an exploring and adventuring couple on our journey. Sure, most of the time, we will be in love doing nothing, just being in each other’s company. The way I am with surprises, I want to have many impulsive “Let’s pack a quick bag and we’re driving… somewhere.” trips. I want her to know I want to take her new places.
If I’m going to do that, first I’m going to have to drive by myself places to maybe run into this life-changing love. Maybe she’s around here but who knows? Increase my chances by increasing visibility.
What I’m saying is I don’t want to necessarily leave all the time. I don’t necessarily want to be a nomad. Above all that, I just don’t want to feel like I’m missing out on finding love because I remember the most painful point of my life rather than imagining something way more awesome in the possibility of whoever she is.
Traumas are totally f****d up and difficult to get over especially when nobody understands or even has to understand on this level. It’s difficult when the thing you want to overcome, the ultimate goal, is because of a difficulty in doing it by yourself. There is only one way to get through something and achieve the goal of doing it by yourself is when you… do it by yourself.
Reminder: There was a point before I turned 21 where I could drive wherever I want and I had no fear. I had not been traumatized yet.
Most people are blessed with lives where they don’t have this type of trauma. I envy them often but that’s a useless waste of energy. I can’t force them to understand either.
As often as many mental health support sites and accounts on social media provide the message “You are not alone.”, it’s difficult to prove and follow through with that when the goal is ultimately being alone. I get what it means, but the message can be misconstrued.
Yeah, it’s been a tough road and this is ultimately the one big thing separating me from the rest of life. It’s not necessary to live a full life but I feel guilty for not being able to be present in various missed opportunities. With an incentive like love, it’s damn motivating to get my ass up and into that car and out into the world!
I can’t help but imagine the awesome story I’ll tell my future love: “What you got me to do to try to find you, I can’t even place a value on, money or time. I am forever grateful.”
Again – maybe it won’t be something that comes into play for finding love but becomes a major part in the relationship. Either way, it’s going to be the Goliath to my David and it’s going to be beautiful.
I am willing to let my male testosterone-induced assertiveness be expressed because… I have to. This is the strength I have physically. This is my biological purpose. I have all the time in the world but yet I don’t.
She will find someone else if I am not there wherever that may be…
So I NEED to be able to get there to her.
If I have to drive 6 hours just to see her for 1, I want to be able to do that.
I need to be present in her presence for love to manifest.
There is no love in curiosity, only upon discovery…
…and I can’t discover anything if I am not able to explore.
I had a breakthrough last year when I surprised a friend by driving myself out to their work. Furthest I ever drove by myself. That’s sort of the template I’m working with going forward. Things like that. Moments like that.
I can only hope the universe is a reciprocating energy-based system that can understand I’m trying and hopefully I can find the right energy in me to manifest success.
For now, I’ll take this drive inside and I’ll…