I read a lot of things on the internet often.
I have been reading a lot of things recently that tend to be on the more personal side rather than general situations for everybody to sort of relate to.
I always have had this knack for reading into things a bit more than just words. I find myself trying to read in between the lines and most of the time coming up with something.
I recently read some things in the past few weeks on a certain social media site that have been continually floating around in my mind since I read them. They were honest, positive statements about feelings and they were simply stated about something possibly deep.
It seemed the timing of them, the wording of them, and the medium that was used seemed a bit too coincidental… and I felt they were about me.
They were short and vague in reference but me being in certain situations recently, knowing what transpired, it really seemed like they were about me.
The latest post I read and a specific word used was very similar to something I posted not long before it appeared. I also had an extra bit of knowledge (that kind of feels like cheating) that told me coincidental timing and an interesting all too coincidental piece of knowledge that I really would feel ashamed if I broke that secret’s trust.
As a young man who has had to learn how to maintain a positive and hopeful outlook, I hung on to these words as if they had wings and they truly made me feel like I was flying.
I kept myself subdued about it because I understood that the question “Were these really about me?” was hanging around due to it being still relevant to this situation. It was small though compared to the coincidences of hope that I really let get to my head.
I used those hopes every day after that. I was living with a smile on my being, though not necessarily a visible one on face… but that happened too!
I felt a chance was being given to finally understand something I’ve never been in.
I felt a possibility that made me forget how to be anxiety-ridden about traveling by myself. I’m serious – I was ready to go anywhere!
But of course, I had gotten too far ahead of myself.
I do that occasionally but that’s the gamble of hope. You appreciate something to a point of possibilities beyond the present exciting you and sometimes it gets out of control, losing sight of unseen variables.
Well, in honesty, the variable in this situation actually made itself seen a while ago. It also made itself known to me personally… directly. I didn’t appreciate it when it happened because I understood the fickle nature of what I was dealing with.
I know that we as people really can’t control another person’s thoughts and that’s fine. That’s something I have known, especially regarding relationships, since high school. I have always had that understandable wisdom because I was always a reader of books and people. I am pretty sure I learned everything I needed to know about how other people work by the time I was 17 years old. I never really externalized my internal feelings of jealousy, dejection after all those times of trying to get closer to someone and them ending up with somebody else. If I haven’t done it yet, I don’t think I’ll ever do it. I will feel what I feel as those feelings come but I’ll understand that the other person (hopefully) didn’t intend for that to happen.
In a relatively short amount of time, the sort of anticipation of a very short but possibly impactful impulse became realized while I watched it unfold.
I felt a sudden loss of hope which quickly turned into a sigh and a flood of memories where I have been here before. Same understanding of variables. Same pull away where I lost my influence (or maybe I really had none?). Same pattern. Same result.
I had a conversation about this and of course did some reading on this recurring phenomenon in my life. I’ve honestly told this story and express out of my vulnerability. The people who I talk to about these things and all the things I have read respond with a balance of understanding that what I may have been giving was not what was being looked for, though it wasn’t bad what I was offering.
It’s difficult to take the often repeated wisdom that if I didn’t do anything wrong it wasn’t something about me when the results are the same in every different case…
…but I know that wisdom is true.
There is no science to this but yet there seems to be a science to it. It is both of a uknown specific nature but also of a reliable, result-repeated nature in a general sense.
I understood something as it was and I read into something as if I knew exactly what it was going to be. That’s just me. I see a glint of possibility and hope for the best. It takes me away from where I have been to a place where quite possibly life can surprise me better than I’ve ever been. It’s not necessarily a flashy future but it’s a smiling one.
With all of the drama of other people’s relationships breaking down around me in the past few years, I was really thinking that maybe I’m on the right track.
I still feel as if I’m on the right track but I have to try to not get ahead of myself and understand influence in certain personality types is not necessarily as solid as they are in myself (fixed sign?).
I guess the hopeful tunnel-vision with rose-colored lenses doesn’t help when reading into something… but it sure makes reading fun and places a smile where an off-putting frown could be. I like that.