I made it. I did the main thing on the list I set out to do.
I got out of my car. From enduring to relief… my face changed.
I looked around in the brisk night air in a town I definitely didn’t easily fit into and thought, “I conquered you by myself. On to the next one!”.
The second and only other main thing to do was ahead. I took a deep breath hoping not to get overwhelmed in the wrong way. I opened the door and I walked in.
As I was walking closer, it was almost unfair how at ease I felt. From cautiousness to being at ease… my face changed.
With the formalities out of the way, we continued into the conversation. Finding where the conversation was going was, again, not that difficult. I didn’t want to say a whole lot like I had the answers. I absolutely didn’t. I only had the idea of how strong the influences were… before me. From casual conversation to truly listening… my face changed.
It honestly didn’t feel like I was learning much though. When you really pay attention for as long as I did, you pretty much have enough to trust your intuition. Then came the revelation I felt was coming. It was the one thing I wanted to hear just to know it was real… and so it was real.
You can try to prepare for the inevitable as much as you want and it probably still won’t go as easy as you’d hoped for – and that’s okay.
You don’t want to act a false emotion, or lack thereof, in those moments. Feel the reality, understand your place, understand your reaction.
From listening to learning, revelation to understanding, understanding to realization, realization to acceptance… my face changed.
I felt both ways I expected to feel inside and out.
I still had a smile… but I could feel that smirk of “of course”, the acceptance of the imevitable combine with my smile and my cheeks wanted to give up. No. That’s not what this was. I wouldn’t let it become that.
My eyes saved me by refocusing, looking, and seeing exactly who I have been seeing all this time. I was right. I was exactly right. I saw everything. My eyes saved me by reminding me what I saw from the beginning and I was relieved, even though behind them in the current moment was a flow of some emotion wanting to burst through a dam a cellular membrane thick. They didn’t betray me that way…
…but I think they did betray me in a few aversions of my gaze.
Their endurance was wavering…
…but my smile really had no chance of dying.
After the conversation concluded, I headed out.
I opened the door and walked out. From acceptance to really letting the realization of what I just did finally hit me… my face changed.
I got into my car. I sat there for a moment.
My smile faded. My cheeks gave up. My eyes weakened. From realizing what I just did to realizing what -might- happen… my face changed.
I got home. I walked in. My goofy smirky smile returned. My eyes were clear. From accepting my feelings to being grateful for what I had just done… my face changed…
…and it stayed that way.