Why My Sister Leaving Reminds Me About My Simple Aspiration… And Also Goodbyes.

imgMy sister just left for a quick weekend trip to Las Vegas with one of her friends. She’ll be back on Sunday.

This isn’t the first time she has gone on a trip like this and of course won’t be the last time.

My mom came over to talk to them and see them off.

I believe I have mentioned before the rough relationship I have had with my mom over the past 4 years due to distrust issues after my parents divorced. It was always either a good interaction or just the worse with her. Mostly the worse. It definitely didn’t help with my anxiety issues to feel so disconnected from my own mother who should have been my closest and biggest support.

Things have been different over this past year. I was humbled by my 30th year. She was humbled by some things in her life.

When my mom comes over to see my sister off for her trips, she always gets emotional. ALWAYS.

I get a little bit too. She’s my sister. She’s the youngest sibling. She’s my wingman on most days. She’s my closest sibling… no offense to my brothers.

Her friend is a guy and they are just friends for now (I’m assuming). He’s a good guy who apparently is the only male in his family. He is also a Scorpio like me. My sister is in good hands.

Seeing this situation play out over and over again, I am reminded of my simple aspiration: To be able to set out and take the lead on my own trips and see people and do things. Live the adventures I want when I want.

When you have had a phobia of traveling alone for as long as I have, which by the way didn’t exist before December 23, 2007, you live a life where your drives at night to think or your drives to events by yourself are within a certain distance bubble.

It very much affected my social life in my 20’s. I didn’t lose touch with friends thanks to Facebook but I did miss a whole bunch of moments in person and unfortunately, I continue to do so. You know that question “If you could go back in time, what would you change about your life?” ? I would go back to December 22, 2007 and fix what I did so I could have my 20’s… but I digress.

2016 has been the most productive in my pushing my comfort zone and it has been a tough but beautiful journey.

I still am aspiring to be that independent and/or leading person to go wherever I want when I want. I want to drive to Vegas, or L.A., or anywhere at the drop of a dime for opportunities where my presence would be appreciated/needed/wanted.

I have been watching everybody say goodbye to me as they set out on their adventures and in some cases losing the personal connection with them. They all wish for me to visit them. I wish I could too.

I guess the silver lining in this is that I have learned to appreciate people I know who have affected me. I never take people for granted because I know it doesn’t take much for others to pick up and leave if they feel compelled to… and once again, I have to exercise my goodbye skills.

I’m sick of goodbyes followed by long absences. I’m sick of not seeing my friends. I’ve been sick of this for 9 years.

I lived my 30th year trying to change and am still continuing to do so. My relationship with my mom has improved. My closest sibling is growing up. Most of my friends haven’t seen me in a while.

Anxiety is so small yet so big but those who have suffered from it gain a bigger appreciation of the people around them.

My simple dream: To continue to grow my love of others and moments with them that my anxiety of traveling alone diminishes.

These thoughts all because my sister decided to go to Las Vegas with her friend.


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