Just to clear whatever residual slight I’m feeling from the last entry, I’m going to re-focus back on this silver-lining I was reminded a few times yesterday (Thursday 10/28): I may be a “late-bloomer” in love, but from what I have had to grow through in understanding myself, my selflessness just needed to be balanced with patience.
Every year comes and goes with meeting new people and learning new personalities. Some become friends. Some are never seen again.
Every birthday has me wondering, “Is this the year?”.
It’s been really cool that for the past few years, I’ve been doing more things each year. I’m not necessarily the traveler many others are but my comfort zone* exists in a different capacity than distance and location when it comes to wants of experience.
[*I do have a “solo driving” comfort zone that needs to be expanded that is all about distance and location, but that’s not what this is about.]
The comfort zone I am referring to is about being social and creating connection.
I don’t like small-talk, but it happens. What I’ve learned about small-talk though with more and more of me “getting out there” is that it can lead to something more. That alone is forcing me to be patient with situations. Patience in waiting for the right conversations. The right conversations where the other person says one thing and then my eyes widen, they have my attention, and we are going in on something that probably involves technical explanations we understand and/or something we can both relate to with our own eperiences.
Music has been the easiest topic (naturally) but there are other appreciations.
One general appreciation that is always helpful in creating connection is just a personality of honest realness that doesn’t avoid going deeper.
I can’t force that out of people. I can’t force those people to appear. I can’t force finding those people. It really is the luck of the draw in what I choose to actively go out and do.
For many people who have gotten into certain conversations with me, they know I can open up easily about things. People have told me that it’s so great that someone like me is able to do that and make them feel comfortable allowing them to be themselves and be honest. That is the human connection… and I know I type about this a lot, but it is the reality of the human experience.
I feel like that is the majority of what keeps us going as a society and species just short of love.
Now about love…
I have never been in love together with someone. Let’s be honest, by this point of my life, I have definitely had the feelings.
There is a text image that circulates the internet often stating:
“Falling in love is easy. Having sex is even easier. But bumping into someone who can spark your soul, that shit is rare.”
I have thoughts on all 3.
“Having sex is easier.”: Mmmm… maybe it’s because of the type of women I was taught to be interested in that no, this isn’t easy… which is just like the women I look for. Also, I’ve never just wanted that. It seemed like bullshit to me to just have sex because of a slight addiction to orgasms, and to just find someone willing to satisfy the same type of simple craving. That’s definitely not to say I would deny an opportunity if offered in some kind of mutual agreement. Reminder: I am a heterosexual male… but I just don’t prefer actively looking for that easy sex.
“Falling in love is easy.” / “But bumping into someone who can spark your soul, that shit is rare.”: Flip the difficulties. Or take away the difficulty of both. It seems like these 2 could be the same thing for me. “Sparking my soul” is pretty much what I have felt and imagined love feels like since I was in high school. The visual attraction was a bonus to this comfortability to be honest with a girl, but the connection was always the realization for me that I… must be on to something with this person. It wasn’t just politeness. It was a give-and-reciprocate in interacting and it just… felt… right. I guess if “Falling in love is easy.” is about the one-sided feelings, then maybe yes, that is easy for me though the “bumping into someone that can spark your soul” part is requisite for it to be true.
Do I seem picky? That may be the problem. Er, maybe “problem” isn’t the right word because I’m willing to be this way if it leads me to something that is the pure reciprocated love I’ve been thinking of.
Then again, I’m the same guy that could be oblivious and I’m willing to be that way if it leads me to a love I never saw coming. The start of a relationship any way.
I’m addicted to wanting to experience something that will probably blow my fucking mind when it really happens. Well, maybe not when it happens. It will probably come in slowly. Quietly. Unnoticed as anything important. It’ll be nice to begin with. There will be a quiet climactic moment after a while where we’re together alone and just looking at each other and realizing what has happened, where we are, we’re two as one. That’s when my mind will probably be… fucking… blown. Yes, my idea of love also includes a mind-fucking-blowing experience. It has to! The true essence of love surely cannot be so consistently mentioned, admired, mused over, written about, sung about, filmed of, distracting people emotionally, resonating in souls, dissonant to mediocrity, and still be nonchalant to the mind when it happens. Surely it is the equivalent of a mutual orgasm to souls.
And so here I am.
It’s not that I’m not wanting it enough but my definition of the right love or pure love has been well-refined and defined over time where I am picky and do not want to settle. With being picky, patience is its partner. You cannot be impatient with finding the right love.
You can “bump into” many people who may “spark your soul”, but it will only be right when you spark theirs and you both jump in together.
I am definitely by far the latest-bloomer I know.
I am definitely by far the most patient person for this that I know.
I love breaking the odds. I love that challenge ALWAYS.
Wouldn’t it be interesting if out of my patience in love, I got it right the first time?
I’m not betting anything on that.
I’ll just continue to be patient.