Unacceptable Dreams.

I woke up early from a dream last night that… I really didn’t like how it made me feel.

It started off as one of those dreams where you’re having a night out with currently often seen friends. I was doing all the things I have done recently at the places I have been recently. Recent memories were really driving this dream and that’s fine and expected.

What I didn’t expect is a cameo from someone I haven’t seen in years.

They appeared as a coincidental bump-into at one of the recent location stops in my dream. Introductions. Small catch-up conversation. Invitation to hang out with the group I was already with.

“Sure. It’s Friday night… why not?”

A fun restaurant scene. Going to someone’s house to hang some more. Some drinking. Some buzzed conversation…

Some revelations. Some comforting. Something… more.

This is actually pretty random even as a “wishful thinking” event because like I said, a thought like this about this part of my past hasn’t occurred in years. At least 5 years.

It felt right in the dream. Upon waking up, it didn’t feel as right.

I don’t like having dreams that throw me back into feelings from my past and feeling closure and completion as those feelings had me thinking was the endgame. I don’t like having been over something or someone and then feel as if I were back then again, years later. That is just the worst!

It doesn’t do me any good now. It just leaves me frustrated.

Yeah, it could remind of something I appreciated in something/someone before but with this much time passing, those things, myself, or both have changed drastically.

It left me with this residual mental+physical feeling all day that I didn’t appreciate either. This is heartbreak from the ending that wasn’t real on unrequited feelings that were dug up from my archive of long-term, long-forgotten (I thought) memories.

There really must not be true detachment from feelings even as memories. There is only the better-controlled reaction to it. Clearly, I wasn’t prepared for this.

The only silver lining that came out of this was that it superseded a recurring dream I have been having that was leaving me with unasnwered questions and superficial confusion. Although because of its superficiality, those didn’t leave me in a funk the next day.

There is a want. A deep want I have been having in the past few years. As much of a wanting feeling that it is, it has not been a major motivation in any sense for the things I do. It’s difficult to think this kind of want would get me to do things in a more “right” way…

but…

…maybe it is the motivation I need.

We all know that romantic love is usually irrational. There is no specific theory on how it can work between any two people. There is no major, easily recreated scientific situation for any two people. People have feelings for who they have feelings for. There is always a point for when a situation has to be accepted as it really is so some action can be taken to improve upon its current state or abandon it if efforts seem futile. The motivation is then used right there.

When something like this happens though, it’s a pretty jarring effect seeing the possibility that I haven’t fully accepted something… or maybe it’s just the emotional memory having to be brought up in tandem?

The mind is an interesting ball of neurons. It can be your best tool for a situation or your antagonizing malefactor when you least expect it.

In a dream where you may feel so good, the moment you wake up is one of the worst feelings ever.

I don’t deny the feelings that get brought up when these things unfortunately happen, but they are still unacceptable dreams.

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