I occasionally have a conversation-shaped hole in my life.
I have plenty of casual conversations. They’re cool, or at the least neutral. They sort of exist as a consequence that I can talk and comprehend with another who can do the same. The topic is usually public-friendly. It doesn’t contain personal subjects nor extremist opinions that will be a problem. It’s a casual conversation.
The void I have is the right conversations with the right people.
The depth of conversation I want indulges into the unresolved issues of one or both people involved. It doesn’t yet have a firm stance and in fact might have shaky legs on crumbling ground. It is the world without rose-colored glasses and it’s those eyes I want to speak to. It’s those talks about everything beyond out there and also deep within. It’s the things that make every human feel the same but by themselves for some reason feel unrelatable.
It’s not necessarily that I want to envelope each other in darkness by bringing it out. It’s just sometimes (who am I kidding – MOST of the time) I feel like if people aren’t talking about these deeper things so often and in a direct and honest fashion, what are we learning? To wear masks? I feel like I am one of the biggest mask-wearing people out there and the only thing that stops me from “taking off my mask” is that others don’t feel comfortable about “taking off their mask”. Although, that can be something held against me. Maybe I should take the gamble and “take my mask off” first?
If I take it off though, it’s going deep!
I don’t want to scare away people though with honesty… which is kind of a fucked up thing to think. What intelligent individual nowadays would be scared of raw honesty?
I do know and understand first-hand that some people will start to hear certain things and basically give a verbal response equivalent to sticking their fingers in their ears and repeating “LA LA LA LA LA” loudly. Yeah, we should try to think positive going forward but things happen and repression isn’t the way.
It’s about 3 in the morning right now. There is a phrase that says something along the lines of “Nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m.”. Obviously, not an absolute truth. I have had some of the best conversations after 2 a.m. and it really brought me closer to people at the time. There was a mutual understanding and trust that developed. They were those scenes in teen/young adult movies. The revelations. The one person breaking down the walls of insecurity of the other. The one person divulging secrets only at the moment they can trust the other.
I think that’s the big thing is that everybody wants to feel trustworthy. It’s like people asking themselves the question “Have I been a good enough person to be trusted?” and the answer comes in the form of a deep conversation. Trusted enough to be shown a vulnerable state of another person and at the same time can be vulnerable themselves.
Again, this isn’t about wallowing in the deepest places to bring people down or just for fun. This is about connection. A connection that can create a progressive outcome of deeper, usually unmentioned places of one’s psyche.
Maybe it’s because I’m a Scorpio… or maybe in a more general statement it’s because I’ve been to crazy depths that I feel it shouldn’t be so difficult to have these conversations.
There is definitely nothing wrong with them.
I guess with the right understanding, they are totally the right conversations.