Too Young For My Age.

I’m just as old numerically as every other 29 and 10 month old person.

Maybe I’m just not seeing the same thing in others my age but I feel like I’m too young for my age. It’s not that I feel I’m enveloped in a serious case of naiveté leaving me with a Peter Pan syndrome. It’s more that I have somehow decided in my mid-20s that I will not let the world harden me and let me forget how to try to enjoy life.

Emotions have played a big role in dictating how I live. For the first half of my 20s due to hard family times, it was mostly sadness and fear that I will have a difficult time being happy the same way again. The “family always being a family” feeling was something I had taken for granted… and then it faded. I went through that dark period and looked forward to the light in my mind where I will not let that make me bitter, cold, and hardened the way my parents did and the way my brothers and sister started to.

And now here I am, 2 months from 30 years old and I don’t feel any bit of bitterness over the period leading up to turning 21.

Of course, I have naturally gained new wisdom since then.

I will have friends who have turned into that person so determined on work and dealing with too much of “adulting” life that they’ll probably have a prescription for stress, maybe a heart problem as well. I don’t want to end up like that.

That isn’t to say I don’t want to have a career or have to “adult” ever but I just don’t want to lose the headroom in life for being unburdened – physically or mentally. That is where we find our center, and if we don’t have enough time and space to find our center, the unbalance could stay ingrained in our physical or mental posture.

I don’t like the majority-accepted idea that success needs to hurt so bad that you live the materialistic and convenient life you’ve always wanted but at your own expense where you also are susceptible to a cardiac event or a mental breakdown. I’m pretty sure nobody intends to live life like that but too many fall prey to it anyway.

I’m old enough to remember the transitional ideas of the 90s and young enough to be a part of the shift and exponential acceleration of ideas as a millennial. I understand the phrase “No pain, no gain.” and also the idea of “What good would it be to have everything you have ever wanted and not be around long enough to enjoy it?”.

It’s currently August. I still remember getting ready for back-to-school and that feeling stays familiar. Two months from my birthday and it always feels like I’m going through some kind of new preparation or growth phase. I appreciate that it happens after summer settles but before the start of winter. Right at the point where the feeling of the “end of the year is coming” kicks in. We start getting ready for less sunlight and cold temperatures but there is a warmth that I feel at that time.

As soon as my age changes near the end of October, my mentality goes through a quick life assessment. I may feel like I was younger yesterday numerically but I refuse to let that number dictate my feelings to be colder and hardened just because I “should” be piling a lot more stresses on my plate to be “successful”. I’m not really nihilistic but “success” in this way seems pointless to me… and with words of wisdom from the many spiritual gurus, mentors, and teachers from generations past, I understand it DEFINITELY does not have to be that way.

Some will still perceive me as “naive” and others will still perceive me as “lazy”… while they are remembering to take their prescribed lisinopril or benzodiazepine.

They’ll look at my minimally-aged skin from their not-so-graceful and possibly alcohol or smoking-assisted aging and think I’m too “soft”, not “strong” enough for this world.

These are the only complaints that arise and it’s only from people you can feel the regret oozing out of their skin along with the scent of ashy tobacco or 80+ proof alcohol.

When they decide to and have an opportunity to enjoy life with someone “too young” for their age, maybe then they’ll realize that they too can still feel 21 in a 30-something year old’s body.

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