Yesterday, I typed up a blog about the new stresses in new opportunities.
They are familiar stresses in new situations.
I asked myself “What of the feelings spectrum have I felt in the highest concentrations so far?”. I started thinking back to all the things I have felt in life from the dark to the light. After going through it all, there is only one feeling I haven’t felt in its purest of forms.
I’ve had a lot of major moments and the biggest ones that can’t be superseded in memory are relatively sad. That isn’t to say I don’t appreciate the happier memories, it’s just the importance and influence of the people in the sadder moments have always been bigger.
“I can see why you have trouble finding a happy thought. So many sad memories.”
– Tinkerbell (played by Julia Roberts) in Hook
Maybe that’s why it seems like the one thing I haven’t truly felt is something on a pedestal. Maybe that’s why I have this extreme value and tag of “Specialty” associated with it in my mind. As with any emotional situation, I don’t need to feel it or need it in general (or maybe I do at some point?) to live.
It would be nice anyways… in any way.
As soon as I was done finishing and posting my blog, no more than 5 minutes later I received some unfortunate news I’ve never had to receive before.
How does that happen so awfully perfectly?
I have hardly been a truly doing-all-of-the-things-I-need-to-be Catholic person since elementary school. Sometimes I wonder if these moments are my penance.
If not with religious undertones, I wonder if this is some kind of karmic test.
The thought I choose to believe deeply about it though is the one where all these painful, emotional moments are just preparing me for the moment when “it” happens. The moment where after all these major moments of mourning, depression, regret, anxiety… that there will finally be a moment for my own… um… what’s it called?
It’s almost like my ultimate goal in life is one that can only ultimately be achieved with another. I mean, I am happy to have it as my ultimate goal… and it only makes sense that it would be after all this time. Why else would it be that most everybody around me has gotten it before me? I know – that’s a rationalization that is in all actuality beyond me.
I almost feel some kind of honored for being appointed a goal that is the worst to take for granted, the hardest to maintain, but the most rewarding.
To have to be a person that has to learn and progress to the feeling of this goal, it feels like a challenge to live as a person that isn’t average. Aside from imagining it as a fated goal for me specifically, as far as fulfillment, if I act accordingly, it will be one incredible story of transformation and overcoming.
In the end, there will still be all of those negative feelings but at some point, I will have learned to become proficient enough at bringing a new energy to it. It will be a transduction ability, to turn it into something going forward and with that, I’ll be able to be an enhancement in harmony with another.
I am proficient in dealing with the sadness by myself. That is not the ultimate adventure. That is the preparation for THE ultimate adventure.
And that adventure in tandem I now aim for is… um… well…
What is left to feel? It always seems to evade me… =)