My decision-making has usually been of logic and rationalizations. Everything becomes a game with an endgame.
At the grocery store: “If everybody eats cereal every morning… well, maybe not me everyday… so then do you think one gallon of milk is enough for now?”
Yes, that is an abbreviated version of an example of a conversation with me and either my sister or dad. It’s not always like that but that kind of unnecessarily deductive reasoning at length does happen on occasion.
Endgames. Man, that is a loaded idea when applying it to so many things.
Endgames? No wonder I have trouble in decisions sometimes.
I’m playing life like it’s chess. Most everything, if not EVERYthing, is not best experienced by thinking about it so much. The best things in life are immediate, sensory-based, and emotionally felt before thinking gets in the way.
I have always tended to gravitate to people who do things on impulse. They show me what it’s like to live like that, and when I’m with them, them being trustworthy enough for me to willingly say “Yes” and try new things. The times it happens, of course I feel… free!
In those moments, it’s not that I forget about the stresses of thinking ahead and thinking about things, it’s a different mindset. The outlook is less about thinking and more about “Yeah, I could do that.”.
When I’m with these people, the “jumping in” is so much easier.
I never regret any of those situations. For some time after those experiences, I tend to start “jumping in” on my own on certain situations.
The way I express “certain” is because still, though the situations are impulsive, they are still… safe.
I have ideas pretty much every day of going somewhere for a trail to hike, or a park setting, or an open-space to experience that I haven’t experienced before. I use Google Earth often to find places. If you don’t know of my love of maps and navigating, now you know. My family knows I will not get them lost… EVER. It’s serious. That’s what happens when you grow up playing flight simulator games where you gotta know where you are going.
If that camping trip a few weeks ago was any indication, I love travelling. I may be in the worst of feelings at home but as soon as I get on the road, it’s exciting!
No protections of these floors, walls, and ceiling.
Of course, it’s not just about breaking the homebody safety barrier.
What will be a defining moment is when I break the social safety barrier. Not “break” as in being completely reckless and inconsiderate but even on a more simple level of making connection.
I have taken tests online and know my zodiac sign’s characteristics of being an extrovert with introverted tendencies. I don’t feel very introverted. Conversations with random people are fine. The “safety” zone is not going any deeper, not trying to create a deeper connection.
A defeated sigh comes out as I read that last part back.
What am I being “safe” about? What is “safe” in these cases really? Is it really a big difference if I was shot down? It would be back to square one… which is just neutral really.
“Safe”. Is it the buffer from attachment and being hurt in those few minutes?
Oh wow. Look, I know it may seem a little ridiculous from you readers’ point of view but… it’s seeming more ridiculous to me as I type it.
I have gravitated towards those who live more impulsively, hoping a little bit of that will rub off on me and stick. I have looked forward to those moments but when they’re over, in its wake comes my “safe” thinking.
Well, this is the year that I was committing to changing for the better. So far, I have made great progress. In my attempts of being less “thinking ahead” and more “Why not?”, I have found myself in situations I never thought I would be even just a year ago. It hasn’t always been comfortable but in the end, I have learned more about myself than if I had not “jumped in”.
Safe is safe… but there’s no growth in that.
Safe is safe… but there’s no challenge in that.
Safe is safe… but there’s no healthy self-nurturing in that.
Safe is safe… but I want to live better than that.