The Moments I Feel I Have To “Grow Up”.

I’m well into my adulthood ages. I know this. I understand what that entails.

I should be responsible for everything I do and be accountable in groups of people I am a part of. I should be stern and focused.

I guess there are times and places for that. There is also always time in between those mature times to have fun and be free, and there should always be that.

Life isn’t scheduled, and that’s a good thing so fun can be chosen whenever you feel and have the time. By that same token, the moments when I feel I have to “grow up” can come at anytime as well.

I love surprises… when it comes to the ones that invoke a positive emotional reaction.

These other surprises of a sobering nature are not-as-lovely.

It makes me feel like my true, inspired, fun-loving spirit is being forced back into a room in the back of my mind. When it comes to group troubleshooting relating to work-like situations, what comes out is a spirit dressed in a monotone, grey coveralls uniform… dragging his feet… un-enthusiastically getting ready to have to fix or clean some mess up.

When it comes to moments where I have to communicate with someone about a serious and sobering subject, not looking to me for support but just what unfortunately is happening, what comes out at the worst times is a spirit of anxiety. A very timid version of myself whose posture reflects the deep physical sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. This spirit doesn’t want to disappoint or agitate, but it also doesn’t want to exist.

What I’m starting to change though is the idea of who I am in the situations when others call on me. These caricatures of spirits who feel horrible about going into whatever situation haven’t been helpful in progressing a situation.

The best version of me in these situations is… that same original, true and inspired spirit of me. That version of me has been trying to stay out front recently. Clever, creative, witty, straight-forward focused on the problem and its solution, still tries to implement fun.

My importance as a reliable person for specialized situations is a great thing I appreciate, but what’s more important is if I can still shine through for others to stay in a certain light as well.

Sometimes, I hate people. Usually, it’s people I don’t know… that for one brief moment in coincidental contact, the only impression they gave me in the limited words they spoke could generally be described as inconsiderate. For the most part otherwise, I love working in groups and having to deal with overcoming problems. Puzzles are my thing. Creation is another. Creating fresh solutions = the bee’s knees!

Serious business doesn’t and shouldn’t necessarily mean to have to be serious. In fact, it’s probably the best thing you can do – to be the person to keep morale up. I have tried to be the serious person in a group before. I didn’t laugh at jokes but I didn’t cut them off. I just asked the question, stood around waiting for the only answer I needed, then upon receiving the answer, I went to deal with it. Yeah, that was totally a mood-killer.

In the work of dealing with technical audio equipment for a live show, there is a lot of repitition in setting up all of the cables, speakers, rack amplifiers, mic stands. It’s multiples of the same equipment. It’s easy to do but as in every repetitive job, the time starts to drag on and when a problem arises, the progress of time pauses to fix it.

In those times especially, it doesn’t help to become so serious. Stay fun and creative as to create ways to help the time pass easier.

So thinking about it now, the moments I feel I have to “grow up” are now more like moments I feel I have to truly “show up” as myself. My normal, at-ease self… and I like that way of thinking.

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