Beautiful.

As a guy, I have rarely ever felt more intimidated than when I had the opportunity to express how visually stunning a female is to me.

Ugh. I have had easier times admitting I did something wrong when I didn’t want to admit it.

It’s not that I don’t want to tell them what I think of them. It’s DEFINITELY that I wasn’t sure of the reaction I would get. I mean, there was a time when I think I told a couple different girls at different times they were beautiful in middle school. I do remember writing it in a (puppy) love letter to a girl 2 grades older than me when I was in 3rd grade.

What were the reactions? The letter was a flattered “Thank you.” that is expected from a 5th grade girl receiving a crush letter from a 3rd grade boy. The middle school times were again flattered but just understandably unready to trust that it was a genuine statement.

In high school… I don’t really remember any specific time I attempted to tell any girl that. I may have once but I don’t think it was to the one girl I REALLY wanted to tell it to… so I don’t really remember or care.

Yeah, I REALLY wish I had said it to the one girl that I always had a crush on from mid-7th grade throughout high school and a little after. I mean, there were other girls I had crushes on but this one girl was consistently an appreciated kind of close friend. Speaking as an adult, I friend-zoned myself hard on that one and kept myself there. Calling her “beautiful” would have been… interesting… to say the least… I’d imagine.

I think the caution approaching that kind of opportunity has gotten worse as an adult.

The horror stories of cat-calling, inappropriate, unwanted, unwelcomed objectifying… and the possibility I may not understand the line of neo-feminism as much as I want to believe I do. I will do anything to avoid being that guy who makes a female uncomfortable by making her feel like I only appreciate her for a few shallow things. It’s not my style to do those kinds of things. I have a younger sister… so if there is something a guy would do that would make me want to protect or defend my sister out of distrust, I don’t do that.

That line between appropriate and inappropriate is probably not as thin as I irrationally think of it. If it is a well-established relationship, I could understand it’d probably be more appreciated.

That’s why I’m typing this.

That line is the line I am walking in my mind all the time. The question is never whether or not the person deserves the compliment, or deserves to know how I feel. The question is whether it will be appreciated that it’s coming from me as much as I appreciate that they are who they are and the fact that they are associating with me at all.

I really don’t expect anything in return more than a flattered “Thank you.”. I just want it to be known in that kind of moment/opportunity, face to face, that I appreciate them in that moment as they are.

As much as I am concerned with whether or not it’s appropriate if I say something, I’m also concerned on whether they want to hear that. Do they even want to know how good they look? I’m not the only guy who thinks so and I’m pretty sure there have been other guys who have told her. Maybe she’s bored of hearing that. Maybe it’s her cue that whoever isn’t paying enough attention to who they are otherwise. Something may have been trained for her to react a certain way. That’s okay if it is. I just want to make sure I don’t trigger any kind of negative reaction because of it.

It’s an interesting dilemma I have. I want to say a lot of things but I’m feeling like I may be too considerate of others’ reactions to a fault of losing opportunities. I am lightweight afraid a compliment will be misinterpreted as disrespect or a negative trigger. I feel she deserves to know she’s appreciated visually as well, but at the same time I don’t feel privileged enough to tell her, like I haven’t earned her trust.

*sigh*

This is me – waiting for someone to tell me it’s okay. I will gladly wait for consent to do anything rather than take a chance and possibly offend. She’s beautiful. She may want to know it and I may never know that… and I may never say it.

I have learned to ask “Is it okay if I…” so much that it’s a wonder I still have hope of being brave in love and being in a relationship ever.

But I’d rather be considerate than that a**hole guy who is “just another guy”.

She’s beautiful. I would love to tell her, whoever she may be when that opportunity arrives.

She will be there with me… and that alone is something beautiful in my mind.

The moment. The girl.

Do I really deserve having either even as a memory if I don’t note how beautiful it was/she is?
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