I am starting to realize that I have been living a very sheltered life.
I have never really had to compete or fight over matters in life that were big, or important, or fulfilling.
The few times in life I was fighting and strengthening my overall life was because I had been too sensitive in the first place and had lost progress in confidence.
I never had the university experience I wanted where I could learn life lessons among peers my own age.
Because of the sensitivity, I never really left home long enough to be adventuorus abroad.
Because I never really left home, I have had to deal with other things that have me feeling stagnant.
I don’t want to be that guy. That stereotype of a “failure to launch”. I want to launch, yet I find myself having to depend on my father’s home for now and the responsibilities that come with it. I am appreciative I have a place and that I’m not a burden on my father in his eyes. I appreciate that he understands my anxieties but what I really appreciate now is the connection he has lined up for me to get to work. He knows I am going to feel a bit jumped in but I think he understands it’s the thing I need.
I realize that, again, this is an easy way I am taking into work by using connections. I do not take this for granted.
My dad works for a company based on Treasure Island in one of the old hangars. The company provides staging and lighting and pieces for live events on location at many big venue locations in and around the San Francisco Bay Area. They do most of the big events at the Moscone Center providing booths and stage elements. He is constantly in contact with the local unions for audio, video, and stage.
He put in a good word for me with the Oakland-based Local 107 which I believe is for audio tech types. They do work with the big venues in the East Bay region and I think the stage at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom. One of the venues in their juresdiction – Concord Pavilion.
Ever since I started my recording arts college plan, I had this dream of working at the Concord Pavilion as the audio engineer behind the board. Needless to say, that’s not where anyone would just start. I knew back then about climbing the ladder. Unfortunately, I had to pause those aspirations when my first bout of debilitating panic/anxiety attacks came right in the middle of my community college experience. Sheltered life made itself known. I went through that from Dec 2007 through summer 2008. As soon as I felt strong enough again, I finished up school. The dream lived on as a lighter version of itself. It was always in the back of my mind even as I was engineering boards for local cover bands. It just felt like I would need to fight a fight I have never fought before and I still felt unready.
I have told various family members that sometimes I wish I would have had an upbringing more disciplined than I did, and/or abandoned my music and recording background and went through an armed force. As a young aviation enthusiast, I did have the dream to be a fighter pilot with the Navy or Air Force. Probably Navy – the movie “Top Gun”‘s fault. I would have probably had a more “warrior” mindset and I’m thinking that would have helped make life a little more easier to conquer. Who knows? The grass is always greener, right?
So now here I am, very aware of where I am, hungry for a better life. A warrior mindset, I don’t quite have yet but a willing mindset, I do. It is happening. I am going to try to work at the Concord Pavilion on stage, pushing speakers, running and wrapping cable. Is it scary to think I might have to actually compete after being sheltered for so long? A little bit. I know there are always physically bigger, stronger men than I am, but I have to remember that that is not always the best thing to be. I shall not abandon the comparison ideas for the sake of motivating my competitiveness but I shouldn’t take it as the be-all-end-all judgment where I would be unhealthily comparing myself right out of consideration.
I appreciate the ease I have lived but it is quite unfulfilling and it ends up messing up other intentions in my life.
I may be in this house for the time being, but it is time to find myself growing a life outside of this sheltered life.