Time. Space. I needed them both.
Breaks from social media – warranted to save myself. Otherwise, I would have indulged in an uninhibited mind frantically continuing to rationalize to try and soften my own blow to myself.
I needed to stop.
Let me go back now with a clear and present mind.
A little over a month ago, I indulged in a situation that was my most nervous/excited moment in recent time. I was willingly going to meet someone I have wanted to meet intentionally (we met coincidentally before once briefly). As it was happening, I was absolutely in awe that it was really happening. I haven’t felt like this in years. Oddly enough, I didn’t feel nervous the first time I met this person. I felt confident that first time. This second time was on the whim idea of the person’s friend. Okay – I went.
It went okay. I did feel relieved afterwards.
Actually, I felt on top of the world. I absolutely was floating afterwards but I knew I had to contain myself.
During the meeting, the person’s friend was asking certain questions and it brought up certain ideas that I would ruminate on and further question. Two words for that: “bad idea”. Even worse, I asked my friend about it, giving them minimal details.
Here’s why it was a bad idea: I was ruminating on ideas pushed by the friends and not by myself or the person. They both pushed ideas of being brave and trying to be affirmative in clearing up ambiguity. Their ideas of bravery were based on defining the relationship. I appreciated what already happened as it was enough for me that this person was genuine, I met them, and they were very much as I expected… but when challenged with the idea of wanting to know, it’s unfortunate I take suggestions as a possible opportunity to prove something via someone else’s idea of bravery for what they saw in the situation. This was occurring in a short period of time when I was watching rom-coms on Netflix regularly. I did the thing I didn’t want to do – I romanticized the friends’ ideas. I wasn’t ready. I mean, this girl I was meeting was absolutely a delight.
Yes, it was a girl.
As great as I felt about meeting her, I knew what I was going to go through. As hard as I tried to not be usual, to not succumb to the “crush”, internally it happened. As soon as it happened, I felt like I had to walk on eggshells, even on social media.
A concurrent situation arose where I took a self-esteem hit that I brought on myself.
2 different talks of being brave… and then a moment I sort of regret but I realize now it was for the better for molding who I am trying to be now, which is a better version of myself of my own accord.
Of course a romantic relationship is always nice, but that was not my intention. I am a person that does not want to jump in to romantic relationships. I want to grow a friendship. There is seemingly no desperation in that. There is seemingly no lust in that. What this was for the past 9 years and hopefully still is, was nowhere near ready for romance. Now, all of a sudden, I indulge in others’ ideas for what this could be. If I had been in a clearer state of mind, I would not have tried to push the boundary.
I don’t know if it really is because I’m a Scorpio but I can’t believe I’m still typing about this a month later.
I’m pretty sure she is over it. She is such a great person for being so graceful about it. The least I can do is stay the friend I have always been before this. She is a wonderful, aspiring musician… and that actually became a big commonality after quite a few years of communicating with her. That more than anything was where I wanted to develop something in-person. To be honest, I know music better than befriending females, let alone dating.
I sensed my regretful moment gave her pause but she seems not as much affected as I let it get to me.
I wasn’t desperate for love. I wasn’t desperate for a friend. I had a friend in her already.
I was desperate for someone else’s bravery. It wasn’t my bravery.
So what I’ve learned is that though others may have their ideas, they aren’t me. They aren’t her. I might not have been ready. She might have not been ready.
I just want to stay her friend.
She may be the most beautiful soul I have personally known and to rush to indulge in baser instincts may be bold but it wouldn’t be brave nor right. To be brave is to consider her feelings and to willingly let her be herself, let her/us grow, and just be ready to support her if she needs it.
Here I sit, being brave. I think.