I have been saying/typing the same things about wanting a relationship for at least 9 years.
Those past 9 years out of almost 30 of the same idea, just matured and constantly refined.
This is amazing to me. I am the only person that I know that is going through this.
It almost feels like a different kind of honor to be so lacking in wanting something so badly for this long.
What the hell.
I am absolutely surprised how easily it was and is to be single and celebit without vows and without trying. Everybody else that did this needed religion or some type of ideology or “view” to do this. I’ve been sitting here since puberty wanting to experience an amorous relationship.
Again… what the hell.
It seemed so easy through high school for everyone else… EVERYONE… to enter into something that would end up being disappointment chalked up to inexperience.
Again… what… the… hell.
It almost seems like a cruel joke the universe is playing on me for being so conscious and aware. I want to take it as the universe knowing I have some kind of super power libido that would be dangerous to be enabled and released into the world. It would cause a deadly outbreak of multiple evening rendezvous of a sexual nature. There would be many wants of me to propose from that same amount of women. // It’s either that or the cruel joke.
A thought occurs: I was too polite. I was not manipulative. I was acting beyond my age. I had true and pure intentions through and through and I really shouldn’t have. I mean, I was ready to be too perfect. I was pretty much a feminist and beyond. I didn’t just want consent from whoever, I was already letting them reject me. I’m pretty sure I missed a lot of opportunities and signs that were like “Gabe, I’m playing the game with you! Please approach and hit on me! My family won’t be home for a while! Please!”
My mom would ask/talk with me about these things and I responded with these ideas of respect and gentleman-liness. She was a bit surprised sometimes that I would be so committed to those ideas.
I didn’t get it. I was totally stuck on “be the nice guy”. “Be the guy who gives her the chance to say what’s going on.” “Don’t be the guy who obviously is trying JUST to get into a girl’s panties.” “Be the guy who just sits there and waits for her to say she’s ready.”
And now, here I am years later – similar mindset, more understanding of what I should and shouldn’t do.
On the top of that “Shouldn’t do” list – DON’T BE A FUCKING MUTE MANNEQUIN.
If I understood back then how much NOT expressing my feelings would be a problem for, ummm, the girl knowing how I felt so she could respond, I would have expressed way easier. If I understood back then how much INACTION would be a problem for, ummm, showing the girl I would do things for her, I would have acted more with interest.
Now, I’m trying to overcome an exponential increase of obstacles to achieve this because… I’m an adult living a life of adulthood trying to have love happen with another adult living a life of adulthood.
1 Shit Creek + 0 paddles.
Okay well, it’s not really “impossible” but it’s “difficult AF (“as fuck” for the older generations)”. It’s probably more difficult typing about it from my mind that is too aware of how much time has passed in life without a relationship. Every time I type it… or every time I say it… my mind just explodes from multiple emotions about this fact about my life.
It is 2016.
I’ve been doing the most different things I have done than before this year because I am trying to figure out what I am really about when uninhibited by self-conscious and self-inhibiting ideas of what life is and should be.
What is love?
(Baby, don’t hurt me.)
I will find it and grow it right…
And I won’t be a FUCKING MUTE MANNEQUIN anymore.