Am I really doing anything?

Everyday this week, after I have picked up my brother, I have driven
down to Humphrey’s and just sat there on the dock, thinking, wondering,
pondering.

I’ve been taking a breather down there by the river.
It may not be the prettiest river but uhhh… it’s the only river
around here. I’m mostly looking at the blue sky and the little greenery
of the island out there in the middle of the river. In the distance to
the northwest is the mountains/hills south of Lake Berryessa. To the
east a few miles is the Antioch Bridge and a factory. Like I said
though, I’m mostly focused on the color.

The sky more than the island.

I
watch as birds fly. Man, this is probably a total blast to the
machoness that should be taking up more space but I do watch the birds
fly and wish I could (because gas prices suck ass). Another
not-so-macho thing I look at is the clouds as they blow by. The breeze
feels like it’s taking away some stressors.

So I sit there and I
feel it. Life. It’s just happening… around me. I feel like my life
path and the factors in my life are making these times real hard to do
anything. I can feel my life being relatively close to stagnant
compared to others. I mean, I shouldn’t compare but I need some kind of
reference to get inspired to better myself. I was sedentary for 3
months and so the “itches” are back. The wants to get going. Other
people want to slow down but like I said, I stopped for a while.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m missing something in my life.

I’m still young. I’ve got time to fill in the spaces… or do I?

What’s holding me back? Myself. Or can I push the blame beyond me onto obligations I have? Is blaming even worth it?

Sh*t… I might as well just take it all.

I
think I have been thinking that patience = waiting. Patience is
tolerating and suppressing. I suppressed a lot last year and I am
pretty sure what happened to me was because of it.

I have a
whole lot wanting to come out may it be verbally, or in actions. The
actions are a bit harder though because of money or just the simple
fact there will be emotion involved.

But yeah, I am here wanting to do more. I want to do more for others though.

Maybe I am doing what I can but not getting shown that I am affecting anything.

It’s like how I’m just sitting there on the dock or the river and nature is just going on.

Maybe
though, it’s the subtle coloration in the background that I haven’t
seen yet that will catch my eye if I am revealed the bigger picture.

(sigh)

I
just do stuff and use what skills I have and with minimal to no
critical response or reward, I sometimes gotta stop and ask, “Am I
really doing anything?”.

(I know I shouldn’t be thinking that things should be about “me” .)

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